I have been terribly bad at keeping up my blog. I have been trying with a WordPress blog which I exported this all onto at some point, but I seem to have managed to delete that one entirely and so I have decided to start again.
I will keep this site open though until such time as I can export the content over to my WordPress blog.
Here is the URL for my new blog : http://memoods.wordpress.com/
WARNING! My first blog post on the new WordPress site is NOT for the faint-hearted.
I have been trying for almost two years to write a letter to the father of my child saying all the things I need to get off my chest about the breakdown of our relationship. I still haven't managed to get that right, but over the past three days I have been preoccupied with something else, someone else I need to write to, so today I finally got around to writing to her.
I have decided that the only hope I have of really getting my blog working properly is to set up a schedule and blog according to a set of times and plan ahead for posts as I go. I am working on what is feasible for me given my life and what I have on my plate with work and other commitments.
For now suffice it to say I am hoping I will get around to another blog post this week, but I do expect some setbacks and problems with getting into the routine of doing it regularly.
If any of you who write blogs have any useful suggestions please feel free to send me advice, comments and everything you might want to add.
And yes Mum, I will try to put more photos in too.
Monday, 1 September 2014
Saturday, 27 August 2011
Promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep
My father recently had a stroke.
My parents are living in the UK following my Dad's retirement from the ministry in the Methodist Church of South Africa. Despite the fact that he had served long and hard in his calling he knew God had more work for him to do, it turned out to be ministry to the (mostly elderly) people of Downham Market in Norfolk.
Daddy has a heart for the elderly and has really enjoyed his time in the UK thus far, however he does have a tendency to take on more and more commitments until eventually he bis in way over his head.
People who know me well probably think this must be where I get the tendency from as I regularly get in over my head.
Everytime he goes to any meeting he ends up voted onto some committee or another. It used to be a running joke at home whilst I was growing up that Daddy would get back from conference or Synod and have tosheepishly admit confess to my mother that he had once again got himself elected secretary of synod or the treasurer or chairman of some sort of committee.
Of course this sort of thing was supposed to be less likely in the UK but somehow he still managed to get very involved in all sorts of things that had him rushing between meetings and services with my mother driving him as he has had to stop driving since he developed a problem with his eye sight a few years ago.
On Sunday a fortnight ago he had a minor stroke and ended up in the stroke unit at a hopital in King's Lynn.
He was discharged this week and is now at home and seems to be getting back to being himself again. Fortunately he can still speak and whilst he is struggling with some things like his eyesight and reading and concentration it is unclear whether that is all to do with the stroke as he has always had some issues with Dyslexia and attention deficiet.
It is unclear as to how much and how quickly he will be able to resume his work but I know that he has lots of work still to do. I feel perhaps his stroke might help him understand some of his parishioners better who have had strokes and so suffer the same sorts of frustrations he has had to endure of late.
God works in mysterious ways and who knows how He will lead my father in the future.
Another thought that cmoes to mind is that sometimes God takes away in order to give. While my father has never been one to try to attract undue attention to himself he is put on a pedastle somewhat by his parishoners. This sort of worship of the man rather than his message is a common problem in many churches world wide. People look for heros and will create one when they can't find one.
While my father would deny it vehermently I know that at times some people have almost seen him as more important to them in their spiritual lives than God. That just won't do. I think it might be possible that God has chosen to work through my dad in this way to show people that it is He, not the man carrying his message, that provides the heroism people search for. I think my dad would like that idea. He is very strong in faith and I am comforted by his faith.
It is great to stop by the woods sometimes but a rest is not always an indication that one's journey is over. As for Daddy I know he appreciates the beauty of the woods, "Lovely, dark and deep" But he has "promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep."
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| All pictures courtesy of Lynese Morris |
My parents are living in the UK following my Dad's retirement from the ministry in the Methodist Church of South Africa. Despite the fact that he had served long and hard in his calling he knew God had more work for him to do, it turned out to be ministry to the (mostly elderly) people of Downham Market in Norfolk.
Daddy has a heart for the elderly and has really enjoyed his time in the UK thus far, however he does have a tendency to take on more and more commitments until eventually he bis in way over his head.
People who know me well probably think this must be where I get the tendency from as I regularly get in over my head.
Everytime he goes to any meeting he ends up voted onto some committee or another. It used to be a running joke at home whilst I was growing up that Daddy would get back from conference or Synod and have to
Of course this sort of thing was supposed to be less likely in the UK but somehow he still managed to get very involved in all sorts of things that had him rushing between meetings and services with my mother driving him as he has had to stop driving since he developed a problem with his eye sight a few years ago.
On Sunday a fortnight ago he had a minor stroke and ended up in the stroke unit at a hopital in King's Lynn.
He was discharged this week and is now at home and seems to be getting back to being himself again. Fortunately he can still speak and whilst he is struggling with some things like his eyesight and reading and concentration it is unclear whether that is all to do with the stroke as he has always had some issues with Dyslexia and attention deficiet.
It is unclear as to how much and how quickly he will be able to resume his work but I know that he has lots of work still to do. I feel perhaps his stroke might help him understand some of his parishioners better who have had strokes and so suffer the same sorts of frustrations he has had to endure of late.
God works in mysterious ways and who knows how He will lead my father in the future.
Another thought that cmoes to mind is that sometimes God takes away in order to give. While my father has never been one to try to attract undue attention to himself he is put on a pedastle somewhat by his parishoners. This sort of worship of the man rather than his message is a common problem in many churches world wide. People look for heros and will create one when they can't find one.While my father would deny it vehermently I know that at times some people have almost seen him as more important to them in their spiritual lives than God. That just won't do. I think it might be possible that God has chosen to work through my dad in this way to show people that it is He, not the man carrying his message, that provides the heroism people search for. I think my dad would like that idea. He is very strong in faith and I am comforted by his faith.
It is great to stop by the woods sometimes but a rest is not always an indication that one's journey is over. As for Daddy I know he appreciates the beauty of the woods, "Lovely, dark and deep" But he has "promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep."
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
BANNED from a Mummies Forum.... The whole story
I must be a terrible person to get this one right.
Or is there more to this than originally meets the eye.
If you know me then you know there probably is.
This is actually a story not about being banned from a mommies forum but about how having a medical condition can paint over your whole life and make it almost as if you have a warning label tattooed on your forehead.
I have taken a while to write this as I wanted to give myself time to "get over" the total and complete and rather shocking feelings this little episode brougt out in me. I ran the gaumet from indiference, to disbelief and shock and frustration and finally complete disgust and disdain.
I feel now a few months after the fact I have come to the point at which I am ready to begin my sorry story.
(Well I wrote this intro a few months ago and never got any further.)
Clearly I was still not ready to write it. I don't think I ever will really be.
Basically long story short, stupid people will find anything they can to use against you if you don't stack up to their ideals and expectations. I am just more of a taget because I am open about my manic depressive illness (some prefer Bipolar Disorder, but I prefer the more descriptive term I used before).
I would never accuse a person without a leg of not having a leg to stand on if their argument didn't make sense to me, or telling someone who is hearing impaired that they are "deaf to reason" that would just be rude. Rudeness is inexcusible, as is stupidity. I have said it a few times before and I say it again. There is no pill for stupid.
I have always (well since being diagnosed and knowing it myself) been open and frank about my illness. I do not use it to make excuses for bad behaviour, nor do I tolerate being treated like an invalid because of it. I take my meds, keep a civil tongue to those that would drive me to drink, and work hard at being the best I can be, everyday.
I even chose my online name, MoodyEve, as a nod to the illness, a way of keeping myself smiling and making light of the darkness that sometimes encloses me.
But the brutally ignorant and very hypocritical will never understand it. Not really.
And so I found myself banned from Calora's parenting forum. Not for any good reason but because I did not allow myself to to sidelined and ridiculed and would not shut up about things that were, in a word, wrong.
Thankfully those members who I had become friends with have continued to stay in my corner and are still friends on facebook and skype.
Here is the facebook note that I posted following my first "slap on the wrist", complete with comments and follow up feedback as I ended up banned.
I almost feel proud. I know my daughter will be when she reads this years from now.
Or is there more to this than originally meets the eye.
If you know me then you know there probably is.
This is actually a story not about being banned from a mommies forum but about how having a medical condition can paint over your whole life and make it almost as if you have a warning label tattooed on your forehead.
I have taken a while to write this as I wanted to give myself time to "get over" the total and complete and rather shocking feelings this little episode brougt out in me. I ran the gaumet from indiference, to disbelief and shock and frustration and finally complete disgust and disdain.
I feel now a few months after the fact I have come to the point at which I am ready to begin my sorry story.
(Well I wrote this intro a few months ago and never got any further.)
Clearly I was still not ready to write it. I don't think I ever will really be.
Basically long story short, stupid people will find anything they can to use against you if you don't stack up to their ideals and expectations. I am just more of a taget because I am open about my manic depressive illness (some prefer Bipolar Disorder, but I prefer the more descriptive term I used before).
I would never accuse a person without a leg of not having a leg to stand on if their argument didn't make sense to me, or telling someone who is hearing impaired that they are "deaf to reason" that would just be rude. Rudeness is inexcusible, as is stupidity. I have said it a few times before and I say it again. There is no pill for stupid.
I have always (well since being diagnosed and knowing it myself) been open and frank about my illness. I do not use it to make excuses for bad behaviour, nor do I tolerate being treated like an invalid because of it. I take my meds, keep a civil tongue to those that would drive me to drink, and work hard at being the best I can be, everyday.
I even chose my online name, MoodyEve, as a nod to the illness, a way of keeping myself smiling and making light of the darkness that sometimes encloses me.
But the brutally ignorant and very hypocritical will never understand it. Not really.
And so I found myself banned from Calora's parenting forum. Not for any good reason but because I did not allow myself to to sidelined and ridiculed and would not shut up about things that were, in a word, wrong.
Thankfully those members who I had become friends with have continued to stay in my corner and are still friends on facebook and skype.
Here is the facebook note that I posted following my first "slap on the wrist", complete with comments and follow up feedback as I ended up banned.
To the SuperAdmin who went too too far.....
I have been accused of being too negetive and critizising "on a daily basis" on a particular facebook page.by Moody Eve on Wednesday, 02 February 2011 at 07:07
I take great exception to this especially since I have just gone through that particular page with a fine tooth comb (took an hour to go through all the comments and posts) and can only find times where I have "liked" comments or given comments of support or encouragement. Also I have hardley ever commented on said page and certainly not daily.
All I did do though was comment on an article about baby names and suggested that parents use more than one source of meanings for baby names as some sites have errors (hey, to err is human). My child's name and another of a friend of mine's is a case in point. That was a comment on an article that had to be moderated before it was published so I figured if what I said caused any offence to the moderators they would just make the alterations they needed to, I also made some other very valid and not critical at all points about naming children. Instead I have been personally and insidiously attacked and the person who has done this has painted a bunch of others with his same brush by saying they too feel this way, however I have found that most of the others he referred to don't even know what he is talking about.
Obviously someone has a problem.
I was willing to accept that it might be me, iintrospection is a big part of my method of understanding myself. I am forthright and can sometimes come across as too direct.
However on investigation I have come to realise it is not.
You know who you are though.
Your loss.
I can now spend more of my time blogging and being helpful to other parents in other ways.
This is not the last I will say on this subject.
I write this to get it off my chest and to answer any questions others might have about why I have left the forum in question.
Best wishes to you all.
So long and thanks for all the fish.
DeliciousMonster a.k.a MoodyEve and Eve
DeliciousMonster, yummy, but not to everyone's taste.
Jessica Otto Was Smith O dear, I obviously missed this drama.02 February at 07:34 ·
Lisa Bulpin
firstly...I love you name DeliciousMonster...super cute..
Secondly....giving advice on name choosing seems like a really silly reason for someone to take offence....I expected something more extreme...
I really hope you get the apology you de...See more
02 February at 07:38 · · 2 people
Moody Eve @Jessica
it was all swept under the carpet and done so insidiously. This is why I
felt the need to post this note explaining to anyone who might have
been interested. I have no doubt I will come underfire for this too but
then he'd have to fight fair, on my own turf, either here or on my blog
where I will also be writing about this as I do about everything that
goes on in my world.
02 February at 07:51 · · 1 person
Jason Wilma Gray I
am so sorry ME...I dont know what happened...or is going on...all I
know is your are a great friend and have been for a few years now...I
know you and know who you are...so dont worry...we love you!!!
02 February at 08:10 · · 2 people
Moody Eve
Well, as way of an update I have now been BANNED permanently from that forum which suits me just fine as I was trying to delete my account and couldn't figure out how to. So my advice to anyone that I have recommended this site to in the past, be careful what you say and whatever you do, don't have a thought of your own that isn't sanctioned by them.... Also I have purposefully NOT mentioned who this person is as I don't even know, they hid behind a name and havn't even had the guts to email me directly which I would have expected from someone who has a personal axe to bear and was even remotely grown up. I am easily contactable via facebook or twitter or even by phone. I have nothing to hide.... As I mentioned to a friend just now I will also be blogging about this experience but will wait for a while rather than try to do so now as I have a lot of other work on my plate at the moment. Infact, that is what was so funny about their initial PM to me, the accusation that I was "on a daily basis" posting all sorts of attacks to them.
02 February at 08:41 · · 1 person
Moody Eve
Lisa, it's not really "they" it's HE! the one person who has a problem and sees the whole thing as his own personal sandpit, any questions about it are met with comments about how much money they spend on building the site and marketing it and giving away gifts but as I mentioned when I first replied to one of his hissy fits, "the members themselves and the interactions they have with each other, advice they give and the support they offer each other is what adds value to the site..... without them and their opinions and comments and continued support the whole site is really a pointless marketing exercise doomed to failure."
02 February at 10:30 · · 1 person
Moody Eve Luckily
I don't know his real name or I might be tempted to name and shame but
then he would have grounds for trying to attack him personally and get
this whole note chucked off facebook, but since isn't named and the
company isn't named either they can't do a thing to me if I want to
speak out against this nonsense.
02 February at 10:33 · · 1 person
1 comment removed due to request by facebook friend.
JustinandLeeann King Well
Miss Moody Eve,I personally don't you but have seen you at a few
parties....a woman that is so true to herself....love it! You did such a
kind act on saturday that I haven't stopped talking about....shame on
them (HE) for deleting you...just goes to show the small mindless
mentalities....
07 February at 21:58 · · 3 people
Moody Eve
Thanks for the supportive comments guys. I have begun my blog on this as this issue has kept coming up and generally it boils down to the stigmatisation a medical condition and predjudicial treatment of anyone who suffers from it. What's worse, just yesterday someone else with the same condition lambasted me for commenting on someone who as a throw-away remark asked if the bad behaviour a certain individual had exhibited might be an indication that the person suffers from bipolar as if to insinuate that having bipolar means you are going to do the sort of thing she did. Patently ridiculous.
Fortunately that has sort of seperated the wheat from the chaff as far as some of the people on my friends list are concerned.
26 February at 08:07 · · 1 person
Elaine Machin
Eve you always have my altermate respect. and I know my childrens. people who hid behind " conditions/bipolar thHyper lables " have not come to terms with who they are and as such have a lot to learn. I have seen lots of people with disabilities, conditions turn these into challenges and reach for their dreams. You are one of them an awesom mother, wife and bussiness woman. Hold your head high. You are a wonderfull person . Bless you may your life be full of the good things. I will pass on to you what Averil says to me. The grumps and judgement of others is their problem not yours. lv elaine
26 February at 08:51 · · 2 people
Iris Allen Prejudices
people are ignorant people. Ignore them - I know it is hard.And I love
the "Moody Eve" name - what's wrong with it!? And what's wrong with
being moody!? You are open and honest. ( I must actually call myself
"Crabby Iris" because that's me)
26 February at 15:14 · · 2 people
Paula Gruben Be who you are & say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter & those who matter don't mind.
Love you just the way you are, honey!! Don't change anything for anyone. *hugs*
26 February at 17:20 ·
I almost feel proud. I know my daughter will be when she reads this years from now.
Kindle Cover woes.
I recently OK, well not recently, actually a few months ago but I am so slack about blogging regularly that it will seem like recently. aquired a Kindle.
Loving it.
I'm not making excuses but it is probably the reason why I have been scarce on the blogging side of things of late. I spend all my free time reading on it rather than blogging. Not altogether a bad thing.
Anyway, back to the point.
I bought a cover for my Kindle from take2.co.za since Amazon don't deliver things like covers to Sunny South Africa.
The cover I bought was, in a word, rubbish! It isn't real leather as it says it is, and I noticed last weekend it is starting to come apart.
Now I am looking for another cover.
I was keen on a Moleskin cover but interestingly although Moleskin make covers for iphones and ipads and Kindles, they don't make any for any current modles. You can only get a Moleskin Kindle cover for the 2nd generation Kindle, and the iPhone 3, although they do have an iPhone App which I just recently started using and am hoping will help me to keep ideas together for future blog posts.
Anyway, back to the point....
The Splash Signature leather Kindle cover.
Shocking quality, blatant lies on the product description in both the online stores and packaging, and not really worth the money.
Here are some pictures of the beginnings of the breakage. I have emailed them about it. Will post if I ever get any reply.
Needless to say I'm not holding my breath.
Loving it.
I'm not making excuses but it is probably the reason why I have been scarce on the blogging side of things of late. I spend all my free time reading on it rather than blogging. Not altogether a bad thing.
Anyway, back to the point.
I bought a cover for my Kindle from take2.co.za since Amazon don't deliver things like covers to Sunny South Africa.
The cover I bought was, in a word, rubbish! It isn't real leather as it says it is, and I noticed last weekend it is starting to come apart.
Now I am looking for another cover.
I was keen on a Moleskin cover but interestingly although Moleskin make covers for iphones and ipads and Kindles, they don't make any for any current modles. You can only get a Moleskin Kindle cover for the 2nd generation Kindle, and the iPhone 3, although they do have an iPhone App which I just recently started using and am hoping will help me to keep ideas together for future blog posts.
The Splash Signature leather Kindle cover.
Shocking quality, blatant lies on the product description in both the online stores and packaging, and not really worth the money.
Here are some pictures of the beginnings of the breakage. I have emailed them about it. Will post if I ever get any reply.
Needless to say I'm not holding my breath.
Monday, 10 January 2011
New Year, lots of new ideas and plans - Time will tell if they pan out
This year is the one I plan to make work out the best of all the years thus far. HTFotography is going to grow into something amazing with the help of some of the plans Henrik and and I have been putting together over the last month or so.
The first aim is twofold, approach big industry, and micro daycare businesses. Both will be given options that will make working with me worthwhile for them in the long run.
We have also added more equipment to our collection to enable us to do the best work possible and provide the most fantastic images to our clients straight out of camera with as little post pocessing needed as possible which in turn will make my workfolow more streamlined and efficient.
We recently made a move away from storing out images on disks and began investing in extra external and internal hard drives. Working out the cost of DVDs for back-ups, it became apparent that it worked out way more expensive and was much more prone to fail than if we kept buying extra hard drives.
I also stopped providing people with disks of images from their shoots, and instead providing password protected online galleries which they can share with others via a link in an email. I find this helps keep control over print quality. Often people used to take their disks to photo print kiosks which didn't read different folders and simply loaded up the lower res images more quickly than the high res versions which meant they often ended up making their enlargements from the wrong images with horrifying results which they would then blame me for.
No I work in partnership with two professinal labs in Durban, and also do prints up to A3 size at home with my own professional photo printer. The result, much better looking prints and much happier clients.
I might look into taking a part time job sometime this year with a photographer where I can learn more and earn a regular salary enabling me to build up some savings to help me realise the dream to build our own warehouse studio/home. That might take some time, but with a bit of hard work and luck, we will get there eventually.
HTFotography has also recieved a new look with a brand new logo designed for us by the fantastically talented Jürgen Henke of Creative Studios(info@creativestudios.co.za).
The first aim is twofold, approach big industry, and micro daycare businesses. Both will be given options that will make working with me worthwhile for them in the long run.
We have also added more equipment to our collection to enable us to do the best work possible and provide the most fantastic images to our clients straight out of camera with as little post pocessing needed as possible which in turn will make my workfolow more streamlined and efficient.
We recently made a move away from storing out images on disks and began investing in extra external and internal hard drives. Working out the cost of DVDs for back-ups, it became apparent that it worked out way more expensive and was much more prone to fail than if we kept buying extra hard drives.
I also stopped providing people with disks of images from their shoots, and instead providing password protected online galleries which they can share with others via a link in an email. I find this helps keep control over print quality. Often people used to take their disks to photo print kiosks which didn't read different folders and simply loaded up the lower res images more quickly than the high res versions which meant they often ended up making their enlargements from the wrong images with horrifying results which they would then blame me for.
No I work in partnership with two professinal labs in Durban, and also do prints up to A3 size at home with my own professional photo printer. The result, much better looking prints and much happier clients.
I might look into taking a part time job sometime this year with a photographer where I can learn more and earn a regular salary enabling me to build up some savings to help me realise the dream to build our own warehouse studio/home. That might take some time, but with a bit of hard work and luck, we will get there eventually.
HTFotography has also recieved a new look with a brand new logo designed for us by the fantastically talented Jürgen Henke of Creative Studios(info@creativestudios.co.za).
Wednesday, 8 December 2010
How they slip away, no chance for last goodbyes
Today I lost an old and dear friend. He slipped away in the early hours of this morning and I only heard about it a few minutes ago.
Michael had had pancreatic cancer for some time. He has struggled with pain for much of his life having hurt himself early in his career as a ballet dancer which put paid to his dancing dreams.
This is a man who once danced with Nureyev and spent time with Andy Warhol, yet today one cannot find a picture of him on google so far had he faded from fame and fortune. Michael had faded from my life too, I hadn't seen him in almost 18 months. I thought of him just last week and wondered how he was. Somehow in the rush and madness of running around getting busy with life and everything that goes with it, I had lost my old friend.
Now it is far to late for goodbyes.
RIP Michael Richter
Michael had had pancreatic cancer for some time. He has struggled with pain for much of his life having hurt himself early in his career as a ballet dancer which put paid to his dancing dreams.
This is a man who once danced with Nureyev and spent time with Andy Warhol, yet today one cannot find a picture of him on google so far had he faded from fame and fortune. Michael had faded from my life too, I hadn't seen him in almost 18 months. I thought of him just last week and wondered how he was. Somehow in the rush and madness of running around getting busy with life and everything that goes with it, I had lost my old friend.
Now it is far to late for goodbyes.
RIP Michael Richter
Sticks and stones might break my bones... but keystrokes can sometimes kill you.
This story really freaked me out today.
I am pretty tech savy but it made me think about how my daughter, aged 2, might concievably have to deal with some things which go far further than sticks and stones in her day to day interactions with her peers and collegues in the future, and I might not have the skillset to help her cope with it.
It made me think about how much I as a parent need to keep up with what is going on in my child's life right from now, and how it is my responsibility, nay, my duty, to make sure that I not give in to technology and shrug my shoulders saying, "this is too higher-grade," the way many parents are doing today.
We are thinking seriously already about when Evangeline is going to get her first computer. At the moment it will probably just be a simple machine without any real network access, more a workstation for herself to keep her away from ours where she can do real damage by accidentally downloading HUGE files or undoing steps I spent hours on in editing photographs (both of which she has done already, did I mention she is only 2?).
Parents of teenagers who are not up to date with the technology being used everyday by their sons and daughters have a daunting task ahead of them.
An I being naieve in thinking that if I keep upo to date from now I even stand a chance of being alright by the time my child is a teenager?
An adult friend was attacked in a similar fashion to that described in the article on cyberbullying about a year ago.... He, at 38, struggled with the same issues and ended up wasting a lot of time and energy fighting an enemy he couldn't see who didn't follow the rules.
This sort of thing is going to get worse before it get's better.
There are all sorts of statistics of suicides which are related to stuff that happens online.
It really makes a mockery of the old song my Mum used to teach me to help me deal with taunts and teasing, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never harm me."
I am pretty tech savy but it made me think about how my daughter, aged 2, might concievably have to deal with some things which go far further than sticks and stones in her day to day interactions with her peers and collegues in the future, and I might not have the skillset to help her cope with it.
It made me think about how much I as a parent need to keep up with what is going on in my child's life right from now, and how it is my responsibility, nay, my duty, to make sure that I not give in to technology and shrug my shoulders saying, "this is too higher-grade," the way many parents are doing today.
We are thinking seriously already about when Evangeline is going to get her first computer. At the moment it will probably just be a simple machine without any real network access, more a workstation for herself to keep her away from ours where she can do real damage by accidentally downloading HUGE files or undoing steps I spent hours on in editing photographs (both of which she has done already, did I mention she is only 2?).
Parents of teenagers who are not up to date with the technology being used everyday by their sons and daughters have a daunting task ahead of them.
An I being naieve in thinking that if I keep upo to date from now I even stand a chance of being alright by the time my child is a teenager?
An adult friend was attacked in a similar fashion to that described in the article on cyberbullying about a year ago.... He, at 38, struggled with the same issues and ended up wasting a lot of time and energy fighting an enemy he couldn't see who didn't follow the rules.
This sort of thing is going to get worse before it get's better.
There are all sorts of statistics of suicides which are related to stuff that happens online.
It really makes a mockery of the old song my Mum used to teach me to help me deal with taunts and teasing, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never harm me."
Saturday, 4 December 2010
Wednesday, 17 November 2010
SurveyBasket.co.za a great way to earn extra income online
I joined this market research panel a few months ago and filled in a few surveys but then forgot all about it until a little while ago when I realised I had accumulated enough "baskets" to more than cover my activation fee.
So I activated my account and lo and behold I have already recieved a payout of R120 from them with more due to me at the end of the month.
I recommend this to anyone who is remotely interested in either making money online or just to have people ask you for your opinion.
It can only get better as more people join up therefore making it's panel more attractive to companies wanting research done.
Click: SurveyBasket.co.za to join yourself. Even if you just operate as a free panelist until you have earned enough baskets to make your activation worthwhile. I'm sure you will find it beneficial.
So I activated my account and lo and behold I have already recieved a payout of R120 from them with more due to me at the end of the month.
I recommend this to anyone who is remotely interested in either making money online or just to have people ask you for your opinion.
It can only get better as more people join up therefore making it's panel more attractive to companies wanting research done.
Click: SurveyBasket.co.za to join yourself. Even if you just operate as a free panelist until you have earned enough baskets to make your activation worthwhile. I'm sure you will find it beneficial.
Tuesday, 16 November 2010
Your service is only as good as your weakest link
"You are the weakest link, goodbye!" might well have been the comment I made after three staff at an Internet Service Provider served up the most awful service I have recieved to date from any company.
However I am of the opinion that the only way to make things better is to take on issues head on and make sure that those who need to know about problems hear about them.
It is exactly this type of thinking that is behind HelloPeter a local South African site that gives customers a chance to report bad service and compliment companies that are doing a good job.
However I am of the opinion that the only way to make things better is to take on issues head on and make sure that those who need to know about problems hear about them.
It is exactly this type of thinking that is behind HelloPeter a local South African site that gives customers a chance to report bad service and compliment companies that are doing a good job.
Wednesday, 13 October 2010
They grow up too fast
This past weekend I had occasion to do a photo shoot with a difference. It was done as part of a young lady's 12th birthday party.
While studio parties have in the past been quite with older girls this was the youngest group I had done one for. They were wonderful. All between the age of 12 and 13, all girls, and full of fun. One or two of them took me aside at various times during the afternoon to quiz me on ways to break into the modeling industry, each quite concerned that the others might find out so I was sworn to silence about their inquiries.
The girls dressed up in three outfits, a black outfit, a white outfit and something with lots of "crazy colours" as the invite described it.
They went without make-up (they are only 12 and 13 year olds after all) and they had a blast.
Made me think of what is to come with my own daughter. She is only 2 at the moment, but already a star of the studio strutting and posing like a real little lady when we have here there while we do shoots. But when we actually want her to pose, for a picture with her grandparents, or because we want a new picture of her for family, then she pulls her bottom lip out and sulks and says "No! Stop it!" and runs away.
I cherish this time while she is still little but everyday I see more and more signs of her growing up and I feel quite helpless because it feels like just the other day that she was born and was so little her dummy took up almost her whole face. She still likes the dummy and Henrik is quite worried about it but I assured him that she will most probably not want to take it to her Matric dance one day so we shouldn't waste time worrying about it.
While studio parties have in the past been quite with older girls this was the youngest group I had done one for. They were wonderful. All between the age of 12 and 13, all girls, and full of fun. One or two of them took me aside at various times during the afternoon to quiz me on ways to break into the modeling industry, each quite concerned that the others might find out so I was sworn to silence about their inquiries.
The girls dressed up in three outfits, a black outfit, a white outfit and something with lots of "crazy colours" as the invite described it.
They went without make-up (they are only 12 and 13 year olds after all) and they had a blast.
Made me think of what is to come with my own daughter. She is only 2 at the moment, but already a star of the studio strutting and posing like a real little lady when we have here there while we do shoots. But when we actually want her to pose, for a picture with her grandparents, or because we want a new picture of her for family, then she pulls her bottom lip out and sulks and says "No! Stop it!" and runs away.
I cherish this time while she is still little but everyday I see more and more signs of her growing up and I feel quite helpless because it feels like just the other day that she was born and was so little her dummy took up almost her whole face. She still likes the dummy and Henrik is quite worried about it but I assured him that she will most probably not want to take it to her Matric dance one day so we shouldn't waste time worrying about it.
Tuesday, 3 August 2010
You lose which ever side the coin flips to
I recently spent almost a fortnight in hospital due to some rather faulty thinking which had me obsessing over ways to end my life.
I suffer from Bipolar Affective Disorder or Manic Depressive Illness (the second being a more accurately descriptive and I feel more apt name for the condition).
So far this has been the third time in just over 8 years since my initial diagnose that I have had to be hospitalised.
Each time it has been the depressive side of the disease that has got me to the point where my doctor has felt it best to "put me away" for a time, until she and a team of other experts, can get me back to some semblance of normality.
I have yet to be hospitalised for mania, although I did swing quite dramatically into a manic phase during my first hospitalisation which is how I came to be diagnosed. That time I had just been hospitalised for depression and work related stress. I went in a sad, overworked but "normal" person, and came out a "certified loon".
I like to make light of my condition. It is a coping mechanism for me.
What used to be a diagnoses that pretty much put paid to people's hopes and dreams has now become a condition which is very treatable.
What is important is that patients comply with the treatment, take their meds, attend the sessions with therapists and contact their psychiatrists as soon as they feel a change in their mood towards either of the two extremes.
And there lies the problem.
No one seeks help when they are feeling fabulous, even if everyone else can see that the fabulousness is too fabulous to be real. The fabulous person remains convinced that they are just too fabulous for those around them and everyone else is just jealous of their fabulousness. Add to this the fact that when one is manic one often feels that taking the medication is not necessary (because one is fabulous so why does one need those pills?) or not wanted because the medication takes the fabulousness that one is so enjoying away, and you have a perfectly set scenario for mania to take a hold.
Then there is the other side of the coin. When one is so depressed that one feels the silt on the bottom of the ocean floor is more lively, exciting, worthwhile and interesting than oneself, it is hard to convince oneself to take one's medication. After all, what is the point? It doesn't help anyway... Or at least that is what one is thinking at the time. Remember I mentioned faulty thought processes?
Both sides of the coin have the same result.... lack of patient compliance. And that leads to the slippery slope of mood instability which ultimately leads to disaster.
Then there is the other aspect of the management of Manic Depressive Illness. In fact this aspect is key in the management of all illness but I will limit myself to Manic Depressive Illness as that is what I know about.
MEDICAL AIDS.
The insurance that one pays a lot for each and every month and is supposed to ensure that one is able to receive the treatment one needs. There are almost always shortfalls and limits and nasty surprises when one goes to pick up one's meds from the pharmacy.
This is bad enough for any type of illness, but when one mixes it with a condition that has a big problem with patient compliance, the patient is even more inclined to not comply with the prescribed treatments.
This can lead to extra time in hospital and or even death if the patient becomes suicidal due to not taking their medication.
In South Africa the government has a list of conditions that medical aids are obliged by law to cover. This list of conditions is called the Prescribed Minimum Benefits (PMB) list and Bipolar (Manic Depressive illness) is on that list. However medical aids still manage to avoid covering the treatment as prescribed by the doctors by creating lists of formularies listing medicines they will cover but refusing to cover others. Strangely many of the medicines on the formularies are not the ones that doctors prescribe, either because their side effects are too severe, or because they have already tried them on their patients and found them to be ineffective.
When someone who doesn't want to be taking their medication gets given the run around by a big business trying to shirk their responsibility of care it makes it very difficult to convince oneself to preserver and do whatever it takes to make sure one gets one's medication and takes it.
Part of what landed me up in hospital recently was the fact that I simply stopped taking some of my medication because the medical aid didn't want to cover it, and I didn't have the cash to pay for it myself. As I told the pharmacist who was dispensing the medicine along with the bad news about how much it will cost me, "The stress involved in having to find the money to pay for this medicine and fight with the medical aid is probably going to do me more harm than any benefits the medication will provide, so don't bother with it thanks."
Clearly I was wrong.
I suffer from Bipolar Affective Disorder or Manic Depressive Illness (the second being a more accurately descriptive and I feel more apt name for the condition).
So far this has been the third time in just over 8 years since my initial diagnose that I have had to be hospitalised.
Each time it has been the depressive side of the disease that has got me to the point where my doctor has felt it best to "put me away" for a time, until she and a team of other experts, can get me back to some semblance of normality.
I have yet to be hospitalised for mania, although I did swing quite dramatically into a manic phase during my first hospitalisation which is how I came to be diagnosed. That time I had just been hospitalised for depression and work related stress. I went in a sad, overworked but "normal" person, and came out a "certified loon".
I like to make light of my condition. It is a coping mechanism for me.
What used to be a diagnoses that pretty much put paid to people's hopes and dreams has now become a condition which is very treatable.
What is important is that patients comply with the treatment, take their meds, attend the sessions with therapists and contact their psychiatrists as soon as they feel a change in their mood towards either of the two extremes.
And there lies the problem.
No one seeks help when they are feeling fabulous, even if everyone else can see that the fabulousness is too fabulous to be real. The fabulous person remains convinced that they are just too fabulous for those around them and everyone else is just jealous of their fabulousness. Add to this the fact that when one is manic one often feels that taking the medication is not necessary (because one is fabulous so why does one need those pills?) or not wanted because the medication takes the fabulousness that one is so enjoying away, and you have a perfectly set scenario for mania to take a hold.
Then there is the other side of the coin. When one is so depressed that one feels the silt on the bottom of the ocean floor is more lively, exciting, worthwhile and interesting than oneself, it is hard to convince oneself to take one's medication. After all, what is the point? It doesn't help anyway... Or at least that is what one is thinking at the time. Remember I mentioned faulty thought processes?
Both sides of the coin have the same result.... lack of patient compliance. And that leads to the slippery slope of mood instability which ultimately leads to disaster.
Then there is the other aspect of the management of Manic Depressive Illness. In fact this aspect is key in the management of all illness but I will limit myself to Manic Depressive Illness as that is what I know about.
MEDICAL AIDS.
The insurance that one pays a lot for each and every month and is supposed to ensure that one is able to receive the treatment one needs. There are almost always shortfalls and limits and nasty surprises when one goes to pick up one's meds from the pharmacy.
This is bad enough for any type of illness, but when one mixes it with a condition that has a big problem with patient compliance, the patient is even more inclined to not comply with the prescribed treatments.
This can lead to extra time in hospital and or even death if the patient becomes suicidal due to not taking their medication.
In South Africa the government has a list of conditions that medical aids are obliged by law to cover. This list of conditions is called the Prescribed Minimum Benefits (PMB) list and Bipolar (Manic Depressive illness) is on that list. However medical aids still manage to avoid covering the treatment as prescribed by the doctors by creating lists of formularies listing medicines they will cover but refusing to cover others. Strangely many of the medicines on the formularies are not the ones that doctors prescribe, either because their side effects are too severe, or because they have already tried them on their patients and found them to be ineffective.
When someone who doesn't want to be taking their medication gets given the run around by a big business trying to shirk their responsibility of care it makes it very difficult to convince oneself to preserver and do whatever it takes to make sure one gets one's medication and takes it.
Part of what landed me up in hospital recently was the fact that I simply stopped taking some of my medication because the medical aid didn't want to cover it, and I didn't have the cash to pay for it myself. As I told the pharmacist who was dispensing the medicine along with the bad news about how much it will cost me, "The stress involved in having to find the money to pay for this medicine and fight with the medical aid is probably going to do me more harm than any benefits the medication will provide, so don't bother with it thanks."
Clearly I was wrong.
Friday, 4 June 2010
Waiting Waiting Waiting
At the moment I am waiting for the South African Post Office webpage to open. I have been waiting a long time.
I need to track where a parcel is that I have been expecting. I need to be able to collect that parcel as soon as possible as I have clients who are expecting delivery of their wedding photo book package.
Try as I may I can't seen to get the page to open let along the track and trace window. Eish! This is getting frustrating.
I spent over a week getting the photo book looking fabulous and now I am sitting at the computer getting very frustrated over something I cannot control on a day that I should be spending time with my beautiful daughter.
It occurs to me that we spend most of our lives waiting for things to happen. We wait for our children to be born, we wait for the end of the day, we wait for the weekend.... we wait in traffic, we wait for people who delay us in some way, we wait and wait and wait.
What is the benefit to us of all this waiting. Is the wait worth it? I think in some cases yes, but more often than not it tends to be the case that we have waited our lives away for nothing more than a fleeting moment that only ends up leading to more waiting.
I have resolved time and time again to stop this waiting and get on with life.
Yet still, here I am today.
waiting
I need to track where a parcel is that I have been expecting. I need to be able to collect that parcel as soon as possible as I have clients who are expecting delivery of their wedding photo book package.
Try as I may I can't seen to get the page to open let along the track and trace window. Eish! This is getting frustrating.
I spent over a week getting the photo book looking fabulous and now I am sitting at the computer getting very frustrated over something I cannot control on a day that I should be spending time with my beautiful daughter.
It occurs to me that we spend most of our lives waiting for things to happen. We wait for our children to be born, we wait for the end of the day, we wait for the weekend.... we wait in traffic, we wait for people who delay us in some way, we wait and wait and wait.
What is the benefit to us of all this waiting. Is the wait worth it? I think in some cases yes, but more often than not it tends to be the case that we have waited our lives away for nothing more than a fleeting moment that only ends up leading to more waiting.
I have resolved time and time again to stop this waiting and get on with life.
Yet still, here I am today.
waiting
Wednesday, 19 May 2010
Motherhood Triumph and Fortitude
She has done all the usual things to prepare for the celebration, baked a cake resembling his favourite TV character, Brum; wrapped gifts he will no doubt thoroughly enjoy unwrapping and then discard to play with the paper; made sure that every thing is in place for him to have a perfect first birthday.
What she can't do though is make sure his Daddy is there to celebrate it with him.
Tyler Jame's Daddy, Gerrit died in a motorcycle accident a few days after Christmas so she is a single mother to her beautiful son who is growing into the likeness of his Daddy to the point that even those of us who didn't know Gerrit well can see how much Tyler James looks like him.
This is certain to be a bittersweet time for her as she enjoys the birthday and the time with her little boy. She must feel the loss at these times even harder than she does usually, and I'm sure she feels the loss of her beloved Gerrit all the time like a shadow over every part of her life, or a veil pulled across the window she watches the world through.
I can't know how that feels. My daughter has her father with her every day and I have him here to assist me and support me in the sometimes achingly difficult times of motherhood and share in the joys which grow larger with the sharing.
I wish I could do something for my friend. All I can do is stand by her and offer a shoulder and a smile, a distraction and my friendship, and hope that is enough to help to brighten some days and lessen some of the load on her shoulders.
She is one of the strongest people I have ever had the privileged to know. I admire her ability to put one foot in front of the other each and every day. She shows great fortitude, and her will to provide a happy environment for her son triumphs in everything she does.Tyler might be too young at this age to understand the ramifications of his birthday and for that reason I feel the first birthday is one we need to congratulate the parents on rather than the little ones.
Mums and Dads are the ones who have hit an anniversary, they have survived parenthood for a year, some surviving a little better than others, but most doing the best they can which is really all we can ask of any parent.
Then there are some who are managing to do more than just their best, they shine in the task of parenthood and magically (with the help of the fairies I imagine) are doing a better job than most despite some very hard knocks life has chosen to hand them.
Sandra is one of these parents. She is the best Mum I know and my hero.
Congratulations on being Mum for a year Sans.
Remember I am here for you.
Saturday, 27 March 2010
Andrew Parker gets married
 | |
| Dorothy got a little choked up as she said her vows in front of friends and family. |
Andrew Parker is quite a character. He is the epitome of self-made man having built up business after business venture to achieve his goals one by one despite the curveballs life has sometimes thrown him. He is an increadibly lucky guy, but one that knows how to make the most of his luck and mack the luck happen when it isn't there through determination and grit.
The remarkable thing is that all this hard work hasn't dampened his spirit. He is a fun loving prankster who goes out of his way for a gag. Even in the sermon his pastor regaled the congregation with stories about how he played pranks on him many years ago.
There are some of us who believe that even today he played a prank on all his guests by getting the staff to shake the bottles of celebratory sparking grape juice so that every table's bottle overflowed, showering the poor guy who took on the task of carefully opening the bottles.
I had the privilege of being a guest at this wedding. I attend quite a few weddings as a photographer so it was refreshing to be in the congregation rather than up front taking pictures. But I was asked to take my camera along and get some "funky shots" where possible. I happily obliged.
Congratulations Andrew and Dorothy Parker.
May your marriage be as fun filled and joyous as your wedding day.
Friday, 3 July 2009
Watch out those of you with Bank Accounts
Fraudsters are everywhere.
Their method of stealing you hard earned money or hard begged overdraft?
Debit Orders! Dodgy Debit Orders.... that unless you are vigilant and on the ball will cost you without you having any say in the matter.
This morning I got a text message from my bank saying a few hundred bucks had been paid from my checking account. (Gotta Love FNB's inContact free text service) I didn't recall making a purchase of that amount in the last few days so I went online to check what was up with my account.
Lo and Behold a Magtape Debit with a reference number I had no idea about. So I called the call centre - once again, very glad i am an FNB customer, their call centre is fantastic, efficient and available round the clock.
I find out that it is a debit order and they give me the contact number of the institution that took the money, as it happens it is Standard Bank. Now I hate that institution but that is an entirely different story with I won't bore you with now but suffice it to say that i ahve tried using them as my bank not once, not twice but three times and each time ended up closing my account in disgust. At one point I even considered not ever doing business with anyone who banks with them. So with this history I immediately get suspicious as at the moment, coincidentally, I am not doing business with anyone who banks with them so a debit order through them would be very strange.
I call their number and fortunately get through to a helpful person who given me the details of who the money has been sent to. A company called ComIT technologies with a Durban telephone number.
I phone them and hear a message saying they are only open after 8:30 so I leave a message (polite and clear with my phone number asking them to contact me and telling them I fear there has been some mistake). After 8:30 I phone again. Again the message telling me their business hours. By now I had googled them and visited their website and found out they are an internet service provider, since we use WebAfrica (also fantastic, just like FNB by the way, 24 hour call centre help desk and functionality) I knew this must either be a mistake or somehow I was being taken for a ride. I looked carefully at the website.
For an ISP they have the most amateurish website I have seen in a long time, and what's more the only email address to contact is a mweb address. Not alarm bells are really going off, so when I get the silly answering machine again I say "It's after 8:30, what is going on. Please contact me, (give my number again) if I don't hear from you by 10am I will be going to report a fraud."
I try a few more times and each time no answer or the answering machine and then all of a sudden my calls get cut off after one ring, like someone is screening my number and rejecting calls.
Now I am really suspicious. The lady at my branch has cancelled the payment and the money is back in my account but I am told I have to go to a branch to fill in a stop payment form so that future debits don't go off my account. What a pain in the neck, I see my nice organised work day go down the drain.
I go to the bank and they put the stop, extending it for the next six months instead of the usual 3 (once again, thank you FNB) but that is as far as they can go. I have to take the matter further myself.
I ask the lady what recourse I have if it happens again and she says the only recouse i have is what I have done today. So then I ask, how can one prevent things like this from happening and money being siphoned off your accounts? Her answer? The best thing to do is keep a close look-out on activity on your accounts and read your statements thouroughly.
I think this is crazy.
Basically what it boils down to is that anyone can take money out of your bank account if they have your details and there is very little you can do to stop it.
Perhaps it is safer to put your money under your mattress after all.
I have decided to open a case of fraud against the coumany that took my money and then wasn't bothered to talk to me and I have told everyone I know about this... I will be posting more as I find out more.
Watch this space.
Their method of stealing you hard earned money or hard begged overdraft?
Debit Orders! Dodgy Debit Orders.... that unless you are vigilant and on the ball will cost you without you having any say in the matter.
This morning I got a text message from my bank saying a few hundred bucks had been paid from my checking account. (Gotta Love FNB's inContact free text service) I didn't recall making a purchase of that amount in the last few days so I went online to check what was up with my account.
Lo and Behold a Magtape Debit with a reference number I had no idea about. So I called the call centre - once again, very glad i am an FNB customer, their call centre is fantastic, efficient and available round the clock.
I find out that it is a debit order and they give me the contact number of the institution that took the money, as it happens it is Standard Bank. Now I hate that institution but that is an entirely different story with I won't bore you with now but suffice it to say that i ahve tried using them as my bank not once, not twice but three times and each time ended up closing my account in disgust. At one point I even considered not ever doing business with anyone who banks with them. So with this history I immediately get suspicious as at the moment, coincidentally, I am not doing business with anyone who banks with them so a debit order through them would be very strange.
I call their number and fortunately get through to a helpful person who given me the details of who the money has been sent to. A company called ComIT technologies with a Durban telephone number.
I phone them and hear a message saying they are only open after 8:30 so I leave a message (polite and clear with my phone number asking them to contact me and telling them I fear there has been some mistake). After 8:30 I phone again. Again the message telling me their business hours. By now I had googled them and visited their website and found out they are an internet service provider, since we use WebAfrica (also fantastic, just like FNB by the way, 24 hour call centre help desk and functionality) I knew this must either be a mistake or somehow I was being taken for a ride. I looked carefully at the website.
For an ISP they have the most amateurish website I have seen in a long time, and what's more the only email address to contact is a mweb address. Not alarm bells are really going off, so when I get the silly answering machine again I say "It's after 8:30, what is going on. Please contact me, (give my number again) if I don't hear from you by 10am I will be going to report a fraud."
I try a few more times and each time no answer or the answering machine and then all of a sudden my calls get cut off after one ring, like someone is screening my number and rejecting calls.
Now I am really suspicious. The lady at my branch has cancelled the payment and the money is back in my account but I am told I have to go to a branch to fill in a stop payment form so that future debits don't go off my account. What a pain in the neck, I see my nice organised work day go down the drain.
I go to the bank and they put the stop, extending it for the next six months instead of the usual 3 (once again, thank you FNB) but that is as far as they can go. I have to take the matter further myself.
I ask the lady what recourse I have if it happens again and she says the only recouse i have is what I have done today. So then I ask, how can one prevent things like this from happening and money being siphoned off your accounts? Her answer? The best thing to do is keep a close look-out on activity on your accounts and read your statements thouroughly.
I think this is crazy.
Basically what it boils down to is that anyone can take money out of your bank account if they have your details and there is very little you can do to stop it.
Perhaps it is safer to put your money under your mattress after all.
I have decided to open a case of fraud against the coumany that took my money and then wasn't bothered to talk to me and I have told everyone I know about this... I will be posting more as I find out more.
Watch this space.
Sunday, 15 February 2009
Hunting High and Low - another journal entry from my last.fm profile
We are by nature hunters.... we seek things we need, then try to catch hold of them and hold on to them, perhaps kill them or collect them for display.
We are seekers, searchers.
There is no end to the lengths we will go to get what it is that we think we need.
But sometimes it is better, fitter, more sane to let go and leave.
Knowing this can make things easier or drive us insane with suffering because of the fact that our "dreams are depending" on something we know will never be.
Sometimes it is so hard knowing that the one you love will never know what it means to love them, and there is no way, no matter how high or low I hunt for me to show or catch something to use to explain it.
I'll keep "tearing myself to pieces" like hunters crawling through thorn bush to get closer to their prey.
But I can't hunt for a kill or a trophy because what I hunt for cannot be owned or killed or displayed as a trophy. I hunt without weapons; the closest I can get to capture the object of my quest is a picture. Like the wildlife photographers who capture their prey in images of beauty and wildness. Beauty can be fierce and blinding, cold and unforgiving. But it can never be owned.
I hunt for myself now.
"For you I'll be hunting high and low"
"There's no end to the lengths I'll go to"
I have gone to great lengths before for love, or what I thought was "love".
Now I know that Love is not something I can do anything for.... it just is. I can go to lengths if I want, but they'll be lengths i go to for myself, as nothing I can do could influence Love's path or pure purpose.... it isn't something I could ever catch, hold, or control.
The greatest length I'm working towards going to now is learning to let go.
(2 December 2006, Hunting High and Low)
We are seekers, searchers.
There is no end to the lengths we will go to get what it is that we think we need.
But sometimes it is better, fitter, more sane to let go and leave.
Knowing this can make things easier or drive us insane with suffering because of the fact that our "dreams are depending" on something we know will never be.
Sometimes it is so hard knowing that the one you love will never know what it means to love them, and there is no way, no matter how high or low I hunt for me to show or catch something to use to explain it.
I'll keep "tearing myself to pieces" like hunters crawling through thorn bush to get closer to their prey.
But I can't hunt for a kill or a trophy because what I hunt for cannot be owned or killed or displayed as a trophy. I hunt without weapons; the closest I can get to capture the object of my quest is a picture. Like the wildlife photographers who capture their prey in images of beauty and wildness. Beauty can be fierce and blinding, cold and unforgiving. But it can never be owned.
I hunt for myself now.
"For you I'll be hunting high and low"
"There's no end to the lengths I'll go to"
I have gone to great lengths before for love, or what I thought was "love".
Now I know that Love is not something I can do anything for.... it just is. I can go to lengths if I want, but they'll be lengths i go to for myself, as nothing I can do could influence Love's path or pure purpose.... it isn't something I could ever catch, hold, or control.
The greatest length I'm working towards going to now is learning to let go.
(2 December 2006, Hunting High and Low)
Sunday, 8 February 2009
Badge Song
Your honour is a badge you wear
pushed into your skin
bleeding
Don't pin this one on me.
I don't want it.
I haven't the space on my chest for more scars.
I have holes in my heart where I have plucked out stars
to symbolise your eyes
howls have hurt my hearing
hums remain day
in
day out
always
I tear myself up like pages between pressed closed covers
or blankets
strewn onto dusty floors
dusty from the dirt of a thousand boots
and skin and hair shed
to keep me from you
Tear yourself apart and bleed
I'll catch the drops,
collect the beads
of blood- tears
and sweat from your face,
off your hair
pooling in the small of your back as you kneel and reel
and drive your hard round wheels over me.
I know my feelings
won't change your mind
about what you believe
So I'll crawl under covers and ground I once tread
Hide for centuaries
catch motes
dig moats
and leave, my love
pushed into your skin
bleeding
Don't pin this one on me.
I don't want it.
I haven't the space on my chest for more scars.
I have holes in my heart where I have plucked out stars
to symbolise your eyes
howls have hurt my hearing
hums remain day
in
day out
always
I tear myself up like pages between pressed closed covers
or blankets
strewn onto dusty floors
dusty from the dirt of a thousand boots
and skin and hair shed
to keep me from you
Tear yourself apart and bleed
I'll catch the drops,
collect the beads
of blood- tears
and sweat from your face,
off your hair
pooling in the small of your back as you kneel and reel
and drive your hard round wheels over me.
I know my feelings
won't change your mind
about what you believe
So I'll crawl under covers and ground I once tread
Hide for centuaries
catch motes
dig moats
and leave, my love
unsaid.
And with time the badge you pinned to yourself
might grow over
You might find the way.
You might find me
and wake me.
And with time the badge you pinned to yourself
might grow over
You might find the way.
You might find me
and wake me.
(11 Dec 2006 Originally posted on my last.fm journal http://www.last.fm/user/EveMoody/journal/2006/12/11/5aqs_badge_song:_poetry_inspired_by_bel_canto )
Tuesday, 13 January 2009
More than just lullabies
I am the type of person who finds meaning in so many things. One of my greatest joys in life is song lyrics. I truely believe that while a tune may be very beautiful, the real essence of a song is the lyrics. "It's all about the lyrics" is the name of a facebook group I belong to, and its name pretty much sums up how I feel about this issue.
To that end I struggle with music where I can not hear the lyrics. Most of my favourite vocal music is by artists who enunciate well when they sing.
I have a few really favourite songs and they too are really all about the lyrics.
I am sharing them with my baby girl because they are fun to sing, seem to calm or entertain her, and most of all have a good message in the song.
Of the three I sing to her most at the monent, my favourite is "Smile" The lyrics written after Charlie Chaplin wrote the tune and capturing the essence of the sort of feeling of his "little Tramp" character.
Here are the lyrics:
Smile though your heart is aching,
Smile even though it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by,
If you smile
through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow,
You'll see the sun come shin-ing through for you
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev-'ry trace of sadness,
Al-though a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time,
You must keep on trying.
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worth-while,
If you just smile...
Words to live by in my opinion.
I sing it to Evangeline whenever she gets in a state and needs to be calmed down. I sing it for myself as much as for her as at times I find this motherhood thing inordinately difficult and draining and I need to remember that I need to smile a little more.
I remember once hearing that song at the end of a movie about the life of Charlie Chaplin and crying for hours. I was probably only 16 or 17 at the time but it really touched me deeply.
Other songs I share with Evangeline regularly are "Swinging on a Star" and "Sing, Sing a Song".
Both are great for getting her in a good mood or distracting her when she needs to sit sill while I do something like put her boots on or brush her hair. Both have fantastic lyrics with good messages which I hope will sink in to her and help her on her journey through life.
To that end I struggle with music where I can not hear the lyrics. Most of my favourite vocal music is by artists who enunciate well when they sing.
I have a few really favourite songs and they too are really all about the lyrics.
I am sharing them with my baby girl because they are fun to sing, seem to calm or entertain her, and most of all have a good message in the song.
Of the three I sing to her most at the monent, my favourite is "Smile" The lyrics written after Charlie Chaplin wrote the tune and capturing the essence of the sort of feeling of his "little Tramp" character.
Here are the lyrics:
Smile though your heart is aching,
Smile even though it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by,
If you smile
through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow,
You'll see the sun come shin-ing through for you
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev-'ry trace of sadness,
Al-though a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time,
You must keep on trying.
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worth-while,
If you just smile...
Words to live by in my opinion.
I sing it to Evangeline whenever she gets in a state and needs to be calmed down. I sing it for myself as much as for her as at times I find this motherhood thing inordinately difficult and draining and I need to remember that I need to smile a little more.
I remember once hearing that song at the end of a movie about the life of Charlie Chaplin and crying for hours. I was probably only 16 or 17 at the time but it really touched me deeply.
Other songs I share with Evangeline regularly are "Swinging on a Star" and "Sing, Sing a Song".
Both are great for getting her in a good mood or distracting her when she needs to sit sill while I do something like put her boots on or brush her hair. Both have fantastic lyrics with good messages which I hope will sink in to her and help her on her journey through life.
Thursday, 4 December 2008
A sad day
Once a week Henrik takes Evangeline to visit her granny and bestefa for the day so that I can have some me time.
Luckily I didn't have Evangeline with me today as I ended up having to take our two rats to the vets to be euthenased. Heather has been getting weaker and weaker for some time now and was losing a lot of weight. We have been very worried about her and keeping a close eye on her. Two nights ago I noticed that Hope had grown a huge tumour on her front leg virtually overnight.
Today Heather fell off the table their cage is on twice and came over to me at the desk to put her back up. I think she might have been trying to say goodbye. She didn't even make it to the vet. She was already dead when we got there.
On investigation by the vet it was noted that Hope actually had two huge tumours and they seemed to be growing very fast. That, and the fact that rats are very social creatures, made me decide that Hope did not need to suffer the double blow of a slow possibley drawn out sickness all alone without the comfort of her sister. I held her after the vet gave her the injection to make her fall asleep and whispered to her until she fell asleep then kept holding her until her little heart stopped beating.
Bradley kindly offered to bury the two bodies for me and I took him up on the offer as I did not feel up to the task.
We will miss having our rats but have decided not to get any more for a while until Evangeline is older and can have a part in choosing the little ones and helping to care for them.
I feel very lost, its funny how such little creatures can leave such a big hole in your life when they go.
I am glad though that they were together in the end and that their suffering was short.
Luckily I didn't have Evangeline with me today as I ended up having to take our two rats to the vets to be euthenased. Heather has been getting weaker and weaker for some time now and was losing a lot of weight. We have been very worried about her and keeping a close eye on her. Two nights ago I noticed that Hope had grown a huge tumour on her front leg virtually overnight.
Today Heather fell off the table their cage is on twice and came over to me at the desk to put her back up. I think she might have been trying to say goodbye. She didn't even make it to the vet. She was already dead when we got there.
On investigation by the vet it was noted that Hope actually had two huge tumours and they seemed to be growing very fast. That, and the fact that rats are very social creatures, made me decide that Hope did not need to suffer the double blow of a slow possibley drawn out sickness all alone without the comfort of her sister. I held her after the vet gave her the injection to make her fall asleep and whispered to her until she fell asleep then kept holding her until her little heart stopped beating.
Bradley kindly offered to bury the two bodies for me and I took him up on the offer as I did not feel up to the task.
We will miss having our rats but have decided not to get any more for a while until Evangeline is older and can have a part in choosing the little ones and helping to care for them.
I feel very lost, its funny how such little creatures can leave such a big hole in your life when they go.
I am glad though that they were together in the end and that their suffering was short.
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